Sunday, October 31, 2010

Fading ... why???

About 6 weeks ago I went on an amazing retreat.  Really saw and experienced the grace of God.  Felt peace. Felt true joy. Thought relationships were being built. Nutured. Upon return we were supposed to get into small groups and not lose what we found. Continue growing and learning in God's grace.

Supposed to.

What usually happens to things that are 'supposed to' happen? They don't.  The weekend is a distant memory. Almost a figment of my imagination.  I wonder if it all really happened.  If it was real. Now I am wondering what I have done wrong.   I have tried to seek out prayer partners. 1-2 to be in a small group - even temporarily. I don't feel like I am asking too much, but obviously I am.

I can sense myself fading.  Retreating back into my isolation. Finding it easier to avoid people.  I don't like the holidays.  If I could slip into a deep sleep from November 1 to January 31, I gladly would.  God didn't intend us to be alone, but there are many times that I wonder about that.

I am tired of depression. Tired of faking it 'til you make it. Tired of being told to be patient. Tired of people who act like a friend one day yet won't even make eye contact the next.  Tired of not sleeping.

Something I am going to do for the month of November is NaNoWriMo - national novel writing month.  Essentially - the goal is to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November.  1667 words per day. (quantity not quality) I am planning on writing out my journey - in detail.  Will anyone get to read it? I don't know. Would anyone want to read it? I doubt it.  Will God use this opportunity to help me gain some perspective? I  pray he does.  Please pray too.

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Speak gently. carefully. thoughtfully. graciously. humbly.

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