I have moved and don't think ya'll have followed. You have to go to the new blog to sign up to get it via email. Here is the link to the latest post:

http://www.chrisfrenchkramer.com/2012/01/30/survival/

I am still working on the design. And trying to be more intentional about writing. I also have a page on Facebook that I am linking my blog to when I post.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Snow-Daisy/189095551147926

I need 3 more followers to get an 'official' name/address. (help!)

Thank ya'll for sticking with me through this journey ... it is not over by a long shot!

Drought?

From a blog I receive ... I adapted it some to fit me. I sat in the sanctuary tonight trying to let God just wash his spirit over me.  The past few weeks I have been so dry ... this list just confirms what I have been experiencing. Tomorrow - I plan on spending the morning quietly at home. Letting God refill and refresh.  I pray that you get a chance to all God to fill you up as well. 

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Warning Signs of a Dry Soul

Posted By: Youth Specialties on September 19 2011
Many of us have found ourselves in a time where we felt spiritually dry.  
Here are some warning signs that you might be slipping into one:

1. Spending more time talking about prayer than actually praying.
2. Private prayers begin to start sounding like “nice” public prayers (prayers that my 6 & 8yo would say before bed.)
3. Reading the Bible only when preparing a Bible study or lesson.
4. Living a life so fast and so cluttered there is no time for cultivating the inner life that people don’t see.
5. “Third-person reading”: reading not for what God can say to you, but for what answers the questions accurately.
6. Inner exhaustion that leads to outer crankiness and cynicism. [!]
7. A loss of wonder.
8. Increasing work with decreasing joy.

What have you found are the best ways to keep yourself from letting your soul go dry?

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I juggle so much and lately, have dropped some of the balls. I am tired. And dry.  I don't know how to keep from getting to this point, but now that I am seeing where I am, I can be proactive on  not staying here. I will learn to rest and work from my rest. I will!

Beautiful

For the past 3 days, every single time. I have gotten in my car to go somewhere, this song has come on.  Now, I am not usually in my car for more than 10-15 minutes at a pop and if I am on the phone, the radio is off. But this song has played every. single. time.  The first two days I thought is was a fluke. The blasted station is playing the same thing over and over and over.  But when it happened today - 5 times - I started to take notice.  Is God trying to tell me something? After a meeting to night, I was praying - "God if the song is from you, please play it again." It was the next song on the radio. Now I am wondering what's next. 

"Beautiful" by Mercy Me

The days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

[refrain]

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find

Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

[refrain]

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to death

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

In His eyes

[refrain]

Wilting Flowers & Living Water

Imagine walking into a store and there in front of you is a huge bouquet of fresh flowers.

The colors are vibrant. Reds. Golds. Greens. Blues. Pinks. Purples.

They smell fresh. Like springtime in the south.

They bring an instant smile to your face. A balm to a weary soul.  A bright spot in a day that was filled with darkness ... gloom ... despair.  A sign of hope.

You purchase them and take them home. But in the busyness of life, they lay forgotten on the kitchen table.  Now they are wilting. The colors are fading. The smell is not so pleasant.  Hope has faded along with the flowers.

In a seemingly futile effort, you put them in a vase of water.  "Why bother," you wonder. "They are beyond help now. It was a waste of money and effort to get them."  And you leave.

When you return you are welcomed with a vase filled with vibrant colors and fresh smells.  All you did was put them in a vase of water. Hope restored.

God does that with us. When we are wilting. Burdened by our past, the world, worries. When we spiritually stink and the only colors we see are shades of gray, God has water for us.

If we allow God to fill us with his living water, it is never a futile effort. There are times when we see no immediate results but if we come back later, we can see what happened. We need his vital gift to be vibrant, to grow, to thrive.  We can't survive without it.

Potty Prayers

Yesterday I woke up grumpy - and I don't mean everyone's favorite dwarf - I was so crabby from the moment the alarm went off that I was wishing I could go back and start over with more sleep.

It was one of my rare days to work and my morning routine was not falling into place like it normally does.  The kids needed agendas signed. The blind dog was literally between my legs and underfoot. The hot water in the shower was extra inviting. I was stuck behind a dump truck. Then a garbage truck. Then a school bus on the way to work. Work was one hurry-up after another.  But I managed to leave on time.

After hurrying home to change clothes for a meeting [and falling asleep for 30 minutes when I only wanted to read a chapter of my book], meeting the others riding with me, having an additional meeting in the car on the way to Concord - about an hour away - I was a bit frazzled.  And still grumpy.

As soon as I arrived, I was pulled aside and given news I had expected, but yet was still disappointed to hear.  I was informed that a job I had applied for [and afterwards highly suspected NOT to get due to many factors out of my control] was indeed offered to someone else.

I made it through most of the next 3 hours without letting the tears that were building flow.  We closed the meeting with communion and sharing the peace. I couldn't control the tears anymore.  So I retreated to the one place every Mom knows she can have some privacy and peace ... the restroom.

I sat there on the potty in this church restroom praying - no, pleading - to God to dry up the tears. Remove the silly disappointment. Give me calm.  And show me what's next. Well, there on that potty he dried up the tears and gave me calm. Enough that I could return to face people.  The disappointment is still there and I have no idea about what's next.

This isn't the first time I have retreated to the safety of the potty to pray. It is a quiet place with solitude. No interruptions [most of the time!] No distractions to steal your attention from God. Those four metal walls with the 18 inch space at the bottom can feel like the safest place on earth ... and the holiest ... in times of distress.

What have been times you've used potty prayers?

Seeing God

Last week I was able to spend a couple of days at our family cabin in southeast Missouri. The Cabin has always been a place of refuge, a sanctuary, for me.  However, this was the first time I had been there alone in 7 years and the first time at all since I was slammed with the depression of the past year.

I was nervous. tentative. a little anxious. and cautious with myself.  but God was there.

I made a new bouquet for Luke's grave.  And just sat there for a while. The dogwoods and redbuds were blooming. Other trees had fresh green leaves. Birds were singing. The wind was stirring dried leaves on the ground. It was completely filled with sounds and images of God's creation.  And I soaked it in. And was filled with peace.

I walked around with my camera and made futile attempts to capture some of the images God gave me.  One image is forever burned in my memory. And it was one that was impossible to capture.  A small stand of flowering trees were surrounded by taller trees that were still winter bare.  These flowering trees were covered in little white flowers that had such a sweet smell.  As I was standing in the gentle warmth of the spring sunshine, breathing in the sweet perfume of the flowers, marveling the delicate white flowers on these small trees, they literally came alive. Dozens of butterflies started fluttering around the trees. Yellow. Bright blue. Orange.

Tears streamed down my cheeks. My heart felt joy. Indescribable joy. It took my breath away. God is ... WOW! God's glory surrounded me and filled my senses in that moment.  I saw Him there ... in the sunshine, the flowers, the sweet smell, the butterflies, the joy.  I felt him. He filled my heart. I was literally awestruck ... and it was such an unfamiliar feeling, but one I never want to forget.

God is ... WOW!

Rising to the Challenge?

Several weeks ago I had a very strange dream where I was nominated to run for president of the USA. My argument was that I was just a middle-class suburban mom. I am by no means qualified to be president.  But they insisted and told me I had to make an acceptance speech. I argued. They insisted. repeat. They won. I went up in my jeans and birks to speak in front of a room FULL of people. Then I woke up. 

If you know me - you know that I am terrified of speaking in front of people. This is so far out of my comfort zone I can't even see it from where I stand.  On March 21 I went to the Proverbs 31 site for some strange reason.  On the home page was a notice about the SheSpeaks conference. I clicked on it. I browsed around on it. Ignored the nudge to register for the conference and went to bed. We can't afford it. 

The next morning I was drawn back to the site. And the nudge to register was stronger. As I looked some more, I noted that you could register without paying and then try to raise funds and get scholarships. Hmmm... 

So - I started registering as a writer. I love words and the power they have. I knew this was what I was to do. Or so I thought. Then I was told, nudged, something, to register as a speaker. I ignored it and continued registering. It got stronger and stronger. I switched to the speaker track and obeyed the command. 

No one seems surprised by the thought of me being a speaker - except me. 

She Speaks is offering scholarships, but there are so many folks trying for them.  I can't afford to pay for the conference, but know that I am to go.  Somehow God will provide. 

One thing I know without a doubt is that God is going to use this journey I have been on to help other people. This verse keeps popping up:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.  

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 

Will you prayfully consider partnering with me through a financial contribution towards a scholarship?

As you feel led to join me in this exciting call, there are two ways to participate. Call Proverbs 31 Ministries at 877-731-4663 to contribute by credit card; or send a check payable to Proverbs 31 Ministries to:

Proverbs 31 Ministries
She Speaks Scholarship/Chris Kramer
616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road
Matthews, NC 28105

Please be sure to designate the scholarship in my name in order to credit my scholarship fund. You will be receipted for your tax-deductible donation.

I will keep you posted.  This new journey is scarily exciting and I have no idea where I am going!

click here for more info on this opportunity

Power?

For the past 7+ years I have worn a peapod charm on a necklace.  I have taken it off only to sleep, snuba and snorkel. Otherwise it was around my neck. Every day.

Why a peapod? When I was pregnant we called the baby Peapod ... he wasn't an 'it' and needed some sort of name.  For Christmas before Peapod was born, hubby gave me the charm. When Peapod died, we searched for a place to put his initials and birth/death date on the charm. Then for the next 7 years I wore it constantly ... told people it helped keep Peapod near my heart since he wasn't with me anymore.

After a very rough year which involved hitting rock bottom in an effort to erase the immense pain caused by overwhelming pain, it was recommended that I not wear this necklace anymore.  A few people noted that since the peapod was not around my neck, my eyes were lighter. I smiled and laughed more readily. But I wanted it back.

There were times I searched for it and didn't find it. One day I asked where it was and last week I got my necklace and peapod back. I have been wearing it for the past 5 days.

Those same folks that recommended I not wear it think it has a hold over me. A negative power ... a foothold/entrance for evil.  But my question is - can an object have that much power? An object is inanimate. And if the person holding it denies it has power and truly believes it doesn't have any power, can it still? Or is Satan still able to use it to get at your weak points?

I tried researching this and this is some of what I have found:
Totem: an object serving as the emblem of a family or clan and often as a reminder of its ancestry; a usually carved or painted representation of such an object, one that serves as an emblem or revered symbol, a natural object or an animate being, as an animal or bird,assumed as the emblem of a clan, family, or group, an object or natural phenomenon with which a family considers itself closely related, a representation of such an object serving as the distinctive mark of the clan or group, anything serving as a distinctive, often venerated, emblem or symbol.

Quotes:

1.  "Satan does not even control inanimate objects as far as being able to use objects to violate the Law of God ... In his debased heart he devised a plan to deceive the children of men and pervert everything God had made, in order to fulfill his ambitious goals of becoming ‘like God’, he copied and perverted all that God had created ... The Bible does give us a strict code of cleanliness and warns us of certain objects of power we should steer clear of (these are called cursed things in the Old Testament!) many are inanimate objects, bracelets, symbols, idols of wood and stone, and even furnishings. ... Many Christians unknowingly have these familiar or dedicated items in their possession, the bible tells us: 1 Corinthians 10:21, You cannot drink the Lord’s cup and the demon’s cup. You cannot partake of the Lord’s Table and the demon’s table.

In Acts 19:11-12, God did extraordinary miracles through Paul, so that even handkerchiefs and aprons that had touched him were taken to the sick, and their illnesses were cured and the evil spirits left them. God himself seems to endow inanimate objects with power. Could Satan do the same? Could he attach evil spirits or evil intent to a [peapod charm?], object or symbol and cause an open door to his sick twisted spiritual realm? I [the author] not only think it likely it is most probable. Remember the Ark of the Covenant was just a piece of wooden furniture, but it held the very power and glory of God!

2. This:  Satan wants to be like God, he wants to exalt himself above God, so he has to counterfeit and imitate his precepts and behaviors and his methods of accepted worship. he is a copycat.

3. This:  In Eden the tree was this object. We must understand there is always an object that Satan uses to make his attack. In the Garden of Eden, it was a tree. Today, it might be our pride. It could be some object that he has fastened upon our minds, so we will justify doing evil. Satan's principle is that the end justifies the means. This is a common trick of Satan today. ... Satan's second manner of approach is a negative one. He uses reverse psychology. He is tremendously cunning. Watch what Satan did. He said, "Yea, hath God said." Satan called God's Word into question. He quoted the Word of God. This is what we have to beware of. He engaged his victim in a dialogue wherein a suspicion could be cast against God's Word, goodness, character and integrity. Satan wants to get us to murmur and pity ourselves. He wants to get us off guard. How does he do this? He gets us into a dialogue. He gets our heart to use human reasoning. Immediately upon gaining control of the human reasoning through dialogue with his victim, Satan zeros in on his target. When Eve answered that they could eat of all the trees of the garden except one, then the devil suddenly zeroed in on just that one tree. Why? She was the one who raised the issue about the single tree. Satan started in a very general way. This is what we have to see. ..."

Basically - I am still not certain.  The ones who don't want me wearing the peapod anymore also suggested having some sort of memorial service or burial. My reaction whenever I consider that is, "I can't."  More accurately - it's, "I don't want to."  

It's been 8 weeks since I was in the hospital. since I have felt the heaviness that I am feeling tonight. No - the despair is not there ... don't worry!  But there is a heaviness of spirit weighing down on me. I don't know where it is coming from. I really don't want to believe it is from the necklace so innocently hanging around my neck.  

Even in church this morning, I had to make myself sing the worship songs, pray the prayers, participate in the liturgy.  There was a quiet voice saying I didn't need to go through these motions. It was not a calming, peaceful thought. The harder I fought against it, the louder and more insistent it became. I have rarely heard this convincing voice in the past 8 weeks ... and rarer still in church even before ... 

Is there a connection? Or am I just allowing myself to believe there is one? 

However, I do know that I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength! Even fight back against lies in the midst of a worship service. 

[sorry this is so long ... I've only been working on it for the past 4 hours.]

Ukrainian Easter Eggs

Today I was invited to a friend's house to learn how to make Ukrainian Easter Eggs.  I was excited about this for a few reasons: 1. it would get me out of the house ... especially on the 3rd snow day in a row and 2. it would be a chance to spend time with someone I have been wanting to spend time with and get to know. and 3. it was a chance to learn a new craft ... I really enjoy being creative.

As we were making the eggs, I said a few times ... 'there's a story here.'  And there is.  A few times tears sprang to my eyes as I thought of the story that was there.

The Egg - to make these eggs, you have to start with an empty shell.  I didn't help with this part, but the thought of blowing out an egg ... forcing all the life out of the shell to make it empty so it could become something beautiful.  Sometimes it feels like God has to force the life that we know out of us to make us into something beautiful.  I was cautioned though, that oftentimes the shell will crack when trying to blow it clean. I that feeling ... We sometimes feel as if we have cracked and are useless.

The Decorating - decorating was a process of applying wax, dipping in dye, repeat several times then clean. This was the part where I saw a story ... we are the shells. God is the artist. He is applying the wax to create a design. It isn't easy to see. Sometimes the wax burns. But it is there ... being carefully applied in a unique design. We get dipped in a dye and covered in that color then carefully dried off. You can't see the design. You don't really see what is being created. Another set of designs is being created on top of the old. This one even harder to see. And dipped in another color of dye. All of the first color is hidden. This is repeated.  You can't see the design that has been created and all the colors are covered by the next color that is darker than the last.  The egg looks like a mess. Some wax marks. Random colors. No rhyme or reason. Not even very pretty. Like life often times ... no very pretty. no reason. a mess.

Then you take the egg with it's colors and wax and hold it over a flame for a few seconds and wipe off the wax.  As you continue holding it over the flame and cleaning off the wax, the colors appear. The yellows, oranges, blues become bright and vibrant. The white is fresh and clean. But you can't see this without the flame ... the heat ... the fire. And the friction.

We need the fire to cleanse us. To help see the beauty that lies beneath. To see the wonderful design created by God in the midst of the mess.

I was told that sometimes the eggs break. If it happens early on, you are sad and maybe a bit miffed. If it happens later when the design is set and you are excited about seeing the finished product, you are heartbroken. All that work for nothing. I wonder if that is how God sees us if we break his design.

Guilt

Definition of Guilt: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly; the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciouslyb : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach; a feeling of culpability for offenses; feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from asense of inadequacy; morbid self-reproach often manifest inmarked preoccupation with the moral correctness of one's behavior responses originating in inner guilt and uncertainty

Definition of Guilty:  Responsible for a reprehensible act; culpable; Law Found to have violated a criminal law by a jury or judge; Deserving blame, as for an error: guilty of misjudgment; Suffering from or prompted by a sense of guilt: a guilty conscience; Suggesting or entailing guilt

I will admit that I am very hard on myself. I am constantly fighting guilt for things most would likely say I don't need to fight. Some of things that swirl in my mind ... not spending enough time with my kids, not homeschooling my kids, not preventing my son's death, not having a grasp on our budget, not being there for friends, being too needy, not accepting help from others, not being a good enough wife, not keeping a clean house, not eating healthy enough, not taking medication like I should, not being a good speech therapist, not working enough, ... I could go on and on and on. 

Then this morning, as I was leaving church someone innocently asked me how the work on the church library was going. BAM! A huge boulder of guilt was dropped onto my head.  I agreed to completely redo the library and made tons of improvements, but it all came to a screeching halt and I just can't find the energy or desire to finish it. 

Typical - I say I will do something and then fail to complete it. fail to follow through. fail. Just another example that I am a failure. And oh so guilty of of it. 

want to. need to. have to.

I want to ...

I need to ...

I have to ...

It seems that everything falls into one of these three categories.  And apparently I am guilty of putting things into the wrong category ... or disagreeing with others about what category something belongs in. Some say I am believing lies (but how can they be lies when there is concrete evidence to prove them and it is what I have personally experienced?)

When I think 'I want to' and it is a) something I know I shouldn't do or b) something I know I can't do - I beat myself up for wanting to do something I know I shouldn't or knowing I'd be a failure whether I did it or not.

When I think 'I need to' I get frustrated because I know I will mess it up. or not finish it. or do something wrong. Perfectionism takes over and tells me that even though I need to do ___, I don't because of fear.

When I think 'I have to,' I get scared I will mess it up but have no choice in the matter. And it becomes a legalistic task that is harder to complete each time.

In the mornings I go between 'need to' and 'have to' get out of bed.
It starts out as 'I don't want to get out of bed.'

Then changes to 'I need to get out of bed.'  There is an internal argument about why I need to get out of bed ... feed the kids, act like a functioning member of society, go to whatever appointment I have made to make certain I do get out of the house.

Eventually it becomes 'I have to get out of bed.'  It is 10 minutes before I am supposed to be somewhere (I hate running late, but am seldom on time anywhere these days.)  The kids are bickering. My husband tells me I have to get up.

There are many, many examples I could give ... this one is ... safest.

Next week the kids return to school. I could stay in bed all day. Sleep (with help) so the time passes. Stay cocooned in a place where I can't mess things up. Where I don't bring others down with me. If I do get up, I don't have to put on my mask. I can stay safely inside my house and beat myself up for everything I know I need to do that I don't get done.  But I find myself reluctantly making plans. Lunch one day, volunteering at the kids' school another, helping at church, creating errands to run, moms group, working occasionally. They exhaust me. I dread them. But I do it to appear like a normal, functioning human. (I know - normal is a setting on your dryer.)

Lately, the only thing I want to do is something that I'm told I can't. What I need to do I don't have the energy for and what I have to do doesn't get done ...

A Story of Broken Promises

When I was a teen, I was told I would not be able to get pregnant. I didn't care at the time.  I was maybe 15. Had no intention of getting married anytime in the near future and wasn't sexually active - yet.  When I was, it just made me worry much less about getting pregnant.

My husband knew the small chance of getting pregnant.  I was 30 and worried.  A few months after getting married, I started the process of fertility treatments.   Medical procedures, funky meds, more tests.  I was finally referred to a specialist (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).  Hubby and I determined how far we'd go with fertility treatments.  Decisions were made more based on moral/ethical stances than money.  The meds played a number on me. I was a witch one minute and in tears the next. He never knew which one would show at any given time.  Having a cycle regularly for the first time ever was frustrating also. And having to go for bloodwork and ultrasounds constantly was a pain as well ... even on Sundays.  But we prayed. Our wonderful church prayed. Friends prayed.

On our last attempt at an IUI (turkey baster) with pills and shots and all the fun stuff that takes all the romance out of life, we had success.  The timing was humorous!  The previous Sunday we had gone forward during a service of healing to ask for God's will in this knowing it was our last try.  the day the dr. office called, we had burly movers at our house loading a truck of all of our household goods to take from MD to CO. I went out to find hubby and he found out at the same time as the moving guys! And we thanked God for the miracle of me being pregnant.

I loved being pregnant! Couldn't handle tomato based products the first few weeks - do you know how hard that is between Memorial Day and July 4th in the south??? BBQ is everywhere ... tomato based stuff is every where!!! I craved bananas - I do NOT like bananas!!  We drove cross country. With me stopping for naps along the way. We already had had a 6week ultrasound and I had an appt with a MD in CO.  Peapod was doing what he was supposed to do.

The military being what it is tried to tell me I had to go to the base doc. One appt and I was deemed too high of a risk to go to the Army hospital and allowed to go to the one I had an appt with. I was encouraged to have milkshakes (there was a diner close to her office that made them fresh - anytime of day!) and still loved being pregnant.

We were getting settled in CO. We found a fantastic church and were getting involved in sunday school and other young adult activities. There was a large group of couples our age.

About half way through, I developed kidney stones.  I was 19 weeks and they did an ultrasound to see the stones. Peapod stuck his hand in the image ... my first sighting of him besides the 'deathstar' image from the 6 wk ultrasound.  The stone finally passed and we continued preparing for his arrival. I even got fussed at by our new pastor for not letting them know I was in the hospital.

The last 2 months meant weekly ultrasounds, non-stress tests and doctor visits. All of my glucose tests were fine. Around Thanksgiving I was having blurred vision, but didn't think much of it. Mentioned it to doc and she wasn't concerned. Then my appetite disappeared and I could keep nothing down. I was in my last trimester.  Christmas Eve I was given some meds so I could enjoy dinner and more tests were done.

A few days later I was on insulin. Church had a shower for me and it was a blast! There were feeding and diapering competitions.  The one who had the hardest time has since had 2 babies and i am sure she is much better now!!!  I received many wonderful gifts (some of which I still have.) God was good. He was answering my life long prayer of having a baby. being a mom.

One of my favorite memories was sitting in church and hearing the story of Mary telling Elisabeth about her pregnancy.  Elisabeth was pregnant too and John leapt in her womb. At that moment in the story, Peapod leapt too. God fulfilling his promises. to Elisabeth, Mary, me.  Now when I hear the story I get weepy.

Two days after the shower I was sent from the MD office to the hospital for the night then to home and bedrest. They wanted to induce and deliver that week. I wanted to wait until Mom was there.  And to see if things progressed without drugs. Bedrest was a pain. I don't like not being able to do what I need to do. I don't like relying on others. I don't like being needy.

Again, my church family was wonderful. And mom was there. On Friday morning, January 23, 2004 we went to the hospital to have a baby.  We were excited about his birthdate 1/23/4.  He would be a monkey according to the Chinese calendar by 2 days.

We settled into the room.  Watched movies, talked, I slept.  They removed a recalled rocking chair out from under Granny. I was given an epidural that didn't work. I was given another one after the contractions were too much. I was given pitocin. Too much. tome passed. What started at 8am was still going on at 11pm. We watched 'Escape from Witch Mountain.' We were watching 'To Wong Foo, Thanks for Nothing' when things got blurry.

We had known for a while that the monitor was malfunctioning.  It couldn't read my oxygen levels. Then they couldn't distinguish between my heart rate and peapods. Once they casually asked about a scalp monitor. I said no and they left. No explanation of the importance. No explanation of what was happening.

The I had severe pain under my sternum. It was brushed off as heartburn. I don't know times for the rest ... I was in pain. having contractions. feeling wonky. Then the contractions stopped. This part is clear ... the doc was telling me to push when I felt the contractions and I was.  Then I said, "I'm not feeling any contractions."  They still couldn't distinguish heart rates.  There was a buzz of activity and I was wheeled out of the room to the OR.

Hubby was told to wait outside the doors and they'd let him in.  I was completely knocked out. Hubby watched through the OR windows ... except for the few moments they made him move, but he went back.  He saw a team working on Peapod. He saw people around me. And had no clue what was going on.  The doc told me that when she opened me up, she saw his shoulder sticking through the placenta.  My uterus had ruptured.  That was why I no longer felt contractions.

When I woke up, Scott told me he was dead.  The MD came by and with tears in her eyes told me how sorry she was. Mom, Dad and our current Pastor was there in the recovery room.  No. We didn't want an autopsy. No. We didn't want him baptized. No. We weren't ok.

They brought Like to us.  He was born still on 1/24/04 at 2:01am.  He was perfect. chubby cheeks. A head full of dark hair. Perfect little lips. Perfect little toes. Perfect little ears. I held him and cried. He went from my womb to the arms of Jesus.

People remarked on how strong our faith was.  Our reliance on God during that time.  But it is more about broken promises.  I prayed and prayed and prayed to get pregnant and have a baby. God listened. I got pregnant. I had a shell of a baby. A promise I held on to during the entire pregnancy was our little boy. But God took him at the last minute.  He broke his promise for reasons I may never know.

How do you trust someone who does that? How do I know he won't break another promise?

My heart broke into millions of tiny pieces that night. shattered beyond repair.  And I am supposed to truly believe that God is good - all the time?

Resolutions?

Definition: resolution - a formal expression of opinion or intention made, a resolve or determination, the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc., the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose., the act or process of resolving or separating into constituentor elementary parts., the resulting state., Optics . the act, process, or capability of distinguishing between two separate but adjacent objects or sources oflight or between two nearly equal wavelengths., a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem,controversy, etc., the progression of a voice part or of the harmony as awhole from a dissonance to a consonance., the tone or chord to which a dissonance is resolved., reduction to a simpler form; conversion., the reduction or disappearance of a swelling or inflammation without suppuration., the degree of sharpness of a computer-generated image asmeasured by the number of dots per linear inch in a hard-copy printout or the number of pixels across and down on a display screen.

Synonyms - resolve, determination, perseverance, tenacity; strength, fortitude.

This is the time of year when you hear people saying they need to make a New Year's Resolution.  People act as if a new year is a blank slate. a new beginning. a fresh start. That nothing from the previous year will impact this fresh, new, unblemished year ... but that is so not true.  We carry everything from the past year - even years - into this new one.  Someone wise (yes - a wise guy) said that our calendar is an artificial marker of time.  He is right (shhh...dont' tell him!).  Some ruler hundreds of years ago decided that this was going to be our calendar.  Now humans have added stress with the need for resolutions when the dates change.

One of my favorites is "I resolve not to make any New Year's resolutions!" (usually said with a very righteous tone)  Ahem ... excuse me, but you just made a resolution.  I have discovered that making resolutions just leads to an increased sense of guilt.  When I fail - as I always do - I get mad at myself. Realize just what a failure I am and sink even lower.  One year I resolved to read 25 books ... that one I achieved. By mid March.  In January 2010 I was going to read the bible through in a year and blog about the daily readings. This lasted until April ... but also contributed to many of my struggles this year I believe.

So - for 2011, I am not resolving anything ... I have set no goals, no dreams for the year. I am not even yearning to be filled with hope, peace and joy.  If God didn't fill me before, why would he now.  2011 will just be another tick in my wait to be wrapped in the arms of Jesus.  Another 365 days of biding time on earth.

Failure = Me

I was talking to some friends tonight and heard the word 'failure' come out of my mouth many times in the space of about 5 minutes.  And ... it's true. I feel like (and am) a complete and utter failure ...

... as a wife - my hubby is a better wife than I am.  He does the cleaning, laundry, cooking, kid bathing and bedtime.  I HATE cleaning (I can hear my mom in my head telling me everything I was doing wrong and re-doing it in front of me while yelling at me the entire time.) I can wait longer than he can on laundry - and let it sit in the dryer longer. kid bathing and bed - they prefer him. I feel more like a roommate than a wife ... it is my fault and just one of many areas I fail.

... as a mom - my kids prefer their daddy most of the time.  Recently they went to visit their grandparents for 5 nights in another state.  I didn't miss them. In fact, I wasn't ready for them to come home. Another friend commented that she didn't understand how I could let them go so far for so long. That just was another point to show that I am a failure as a mom.  Never mind the big one that God told me ... "I will let you carry this baby to term. Let him grow in your womb. but you are not good enough to be his mother so I am bringing him to heaven with me."  So much a failure that I couldn't even keep my only biological child.

... as a daughter - whenever we visit, I am reminded of what a failure I am in this area.  I didn't major in what I should have, I don't work enough now, I don't measure up to my little brother and his wife and their 3 (almost 4) biological children. I am a failure and a disappointment.

... as a sister - I don't know my brother. There are 10 years between us. He was almost 13 when I left home after college.  I had so much responsibility for him growing up, but now he is better than me in his eyes. my parents' eyes.  He sneezes on his wife and she's pregnant. I can't have a live baby. He has 2 law offices. I don't even work part time. He is total executer of my parent's estate. I am ... nothing.

... as a friend - I have been shutting out friends this year. It is easier to not talk to them. to not answer questions. than to face their pitying or worried looks.  I am the person that sucks the life out of a room. The one no one wants to be around because of this depression and dark cloud.  I would happily be there for them, but I don't want anyone too close to me in case I am contagious.  I am a failure in this area too.

... as a Christian - we are commanded to love our neighbor as ourselves.  How do you do this when you hate yourself?  I have so much head knowledge, but no trust in God's ability to help me. What kind of Christian am I if I don't have basic trust? Again - failure.

We tell the kids that if something is broken, we throw it away. What do you do with a broken person?

Snow

(SOJ Outdoor Sanctuary)

I love snow.  

Anyone who knows me knows that I much prefer a very snowy winter to any island beach in the world! My dream trip is a cruise to Antarctica.  

It started snowing on Christmas evening and by the next morning, everything was covered in a blanket of white.  It looked so clean. fresh. inviting. 

I know that the bible talks about making us white as snow.  But that pure whiteness is so fleeting. Snow gets marred and dirty so quickly. Animal tracks, cars stirring up dirt, people scooping up patching to make a snowman, fort or snowballs for an epic battle.  

I remember learning that a snowflake was ice crystals formed around a grain of dirt.  Something so beautiful. clean. pure. Made from dirt.  

As I was looking out at the beautiful scene from my window, I wished my life could easily look like that. cover up all the yuck and show only beauty. But then I was reminded of how much yuck there is and the fact that things are often nastier during the melt and realized that I only what the cover if it was permanent. 

I still love snow though and am ready for more!

Bah ...

I have not been able to find the Christmas Spirit this year.  I tried light shows, cantatas, many church services, music, giving, serving, live nativities, almost everything I could think of. My response to folks when they say, "Merry Christmas" is "Bah Humbug!"

Typically I am the one who wants the decorations up the day after Thanksgiving.  Am finished shopping and have everything wrapped by December 20. Have done the baking, candy making, card sending by the 24th.  This year - I am still up at 0230. And on the verge of the 2nd meltdown since 10pm.  I just want to crawl into bed and reappear in February.  But I can't.

In the morning we will get up. open stockings. make blueberry muffins. go to church in our jammies. come home. open presents. cook an obnoxious amount of food. watch movies. and get things ready to go to family on Sunday.

Is that Christmas? Craziness and chaos?  I thought it was supposed to be about the hope of a newborn babe. All the expectation of a new birth. The dreams. The love. the Forgiveness.  There is none of that. Where is the hope? The love?

I am tired. constantly. but now I will try to at least get some sleep for the physical exhaustion ... one of those nights where I will drift off with a damp pillow while trying not to disturb the amazingly patient man sleeping next me. for a few hours before I have to be happy and connected mom for the kids again.

Happy Birthday Jesus. I will never understand why you did what you did.

Power of an Envelope

Our church announced a ministry opportunity last week.  They had set aside a certain amount of money and placed it in envelopes. The envelopes contained various amounts and were sealed.  Our instructions were to take one and give it away to someone before Christmas.  

My husband reluctantly picked up an envelope last Sunday for our family and I stuck it in my bag.  Then forgot about it. My brain has been mush lately when it comes to remembering stuff that I need to remember.  On Thursday nights I go to a bible study in another part of town.  I have been in this study with 4 other women since June and we have grown pretty close to each other during this time, but have no interaction otherwise.  

While driving there on Thursday a thought 'popped' into my head, "Give the envelope to X."  I just shook my head a little and (as I often do when these quiet thoughts pop into my head) ignored it.  Again. "Give the envelope to X."  Then I said out loud "What envelope?"  I could not figure out where the thought was coming from and what it was talking about. "Give the Spirit of Joy envelope in your bag to X." Oh yea. that envelope. I had completely forgotten it was in my bag and chances are it could have sat there until February when I cleaned the silly thing out...then I would have just given it to someone.  

After study I handed X the envelope and told her I had no idea what was in it, but that I knew she was to get the envelope.  She has been having a rough year like so many. Tears popped into her eyes and she gave me a hug. I reciprocated with both arms (I'm typically a one arm hugger - especially lately.)  I haven't talked to X since I gave her the envelope, but several other things happened ... 

1. I obeyed that quiet thought. And there were a few moments of peace that the other gals noticed initially on my face but it faded as the night continued.  (And the arguments got louder in my mind again.)

2. My husband pointed out to me that I wasn't such a humbug as I thought if I could LISTEN to GOD AND follow through. (HA! I still say, "Bah Humbug!!!)

3. For a few brief seconds I felt blessed to give. Worthy of sharing this gift. Chosen for this task in this moment. Successful for listening and following through.  and loved ... before actually giving her the envelope.  Then my current reality returned. 

Maybe a few cracks in the wall? For simply giving away a sealed envelope.

Grits and Grace

The sermon this morning was about joy and grace. Pastor talked about being in the south and how when you out to eat (usually needs to be a local diner) you will get 'bonus' sides.  Once they went out to eat and got a bowl of grits with their order.  When asked what they were and then told they didn't order them they were told, "They just come."

According to Pastor - that is like grace.  "It just comes."  Then you have to decide what to do with it. Take and enjoy or reject and discard.  It isn't always easy to accept. You don't know how it's going to feel. What exactly you are supposed to do with it.  What the repercussions of accepting this free gift will be.

Then the pastor talked about happiness vs joy.  I have often said that I don't care if I am happy ... I only want a bit of joy! Pastor described happiness as a sprinkler moving back and forth gently spreading happiness around and joy as a gushing spring that douses everything in its path.  That sounds a bit overwhelming to me.

When I was little, I loved grits. Then I had some that were no so tasty - they had gotten cold and rubbery. It was many, many years before I was willing to try them again.  Now I will eat them conditionally - lots of cheese, preferably with some bacon, eggs and shrimp thrown in for flavor.  That can happen with grace. We accept it and then something happens and we reject it.  Accepting it again is hard. It takes trust and belief.  Easier said than done when those have both been violated.

"It just comes." Then what?

Do I Believe?

From the Beth Moore "Esther" study ...

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining

I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.

I believe in God, even when he is silent.

(Author Unknown)

This has been a very trying time. I read this quote while completing the last day of the "Esther" study and filled in I [don't know if I] believe in God, even when he is silent.  I know he is there, but do I believe he is there?  Simply - no. 

Once upon a time there would have been no question. I would have told you that I believe he is always around - no matter what.  Even when he is silent. Even in the depths of grief. Even when the sun isn't shining.  I believed in God. I trusted God. I believed in his promises. He answered prayers.  No, life wasn't easy or all rosey, but there was hope!  I trusted him.  Then he betrayed that trust. Shattered it into a million little pieces that can't be made whole again. 

Now - as part of the healing process - I have been told that I need to forgive God and choose to trust him again.  Although he is incapable of sin I do blame him and believe he betrayed me.  How do you trust someone like that?? How do you truly believe they care for your best interest? 

In this time of advent ... this time of expectant waiting. of renewing peace, hope, joy and love ... I feel jittery, anxious, hopeless, despair ... not what I am 'supposed' to experience during the Christmas season. If I can't believe now - when can I?

Words in my Head

Inadequate. Worthless. Failure. 

Self-centered. Unworthy. Unloveable. 

Lazy. Mistake. Ugly. 

I hear these words in my head all day everyday. Often they are phrases that were told to me repeated over and over and over again as I try to go about living. lately they have gotten louder and louder ... drowning out everything else.

Someone advised recently that I keep busy. Occupy my mind so that I can't hear these words swirling in my head.  I have tried that. When my mind is occupied, it does work. But I have also been cursed with the ability to multitask - and this allows my overactive brain to work on a meaningless task while continually repeating the 'lies' in my mind.

I haven't been able to clean my house. When I go to start I hear my mother telling me how I cleaned the bathroom, dusted, vacuum, etc. wrong and had to stand there and watch her redo what I had just done and listen to her yell at me and belittle me the entire time.  Now I own my own house, but her words have moved in with us.  So why bother even trying? If I am such a failure, why bother.

Then I hear 'failure' 'worthless' 'lazy' for not being able to be the wife and mother I should. for not being able to clean and straighten. organize and de-pile.

Just today I tried to stay home with my own thoughts and had a minor meltdown. When I went to take some things to a friend, I asked if she needed any help with her todo list. She said yes and I vacuumed her house. The ENTIRE time I was being told how inadequate of a job I was doing. How she was just going to have to go behind me and redo everything and this was meaningless busy work.  It went on and on and on. But I finished and can only pray that she didn't need to go behind me and redo the work.

I put out a few resumes while fighting back the 'failure' 'no one will hire you' mantra in my head.

They aren't voices - I haven't gone that crazy yet.  They are quiet thoughts. PE tells me they are lies from the father of lies. lies from the pit of hell. But they are there and they are constant and the harder I work at studying the bible, reading something positive, praying liturgical prayer even when I don't feel like it, they get louder, stronger and more insistent.

Some days it is paralyzing. It takes all my energy to get out of bed and dressed. I have been avoiding staying in my own house. I will not accept help in cleaning - I really don't want anyone to see what a mess this place is.  Those same words tell me that no one would help anyway. so don't bother asking. If some one offers - say no.

Every now and then a clear voice emerges. It says things like, "Wait. Not yet." when trying to make a major decision. or "You did not chose me. I have chosen you."

Now I need to determine which one to listen to. If anyone has found a fast and effective way to quiet these swirls of chaos in my head, please let me know.