Bah ...

I have not been able to find the Christmas Spirit this year.  I tried light shows, cantatas, many church services, music, giving, serving, live nativities, almost everything I could think of. My response to folks when they say, "Merry Christmas" is "Bah Humbug!"

Typically I am the one who wants the decorations up the day after Thanksgiving.  Am finished shopping and have everything wrapped by December 20. Have done the baking, candy making, card sending by the 24th.  This year - I am still up at 0230. And on the verge of the 2nd meltdown since 10pm.  I just want to crawl into bed and reappear in February.  But I can't.

In the morning we will get up. open stockings. make blueberry muffins. go to church in our jammies. come home. open presents. cook an obnoxious amount of food. watch movies. and get things ready to go to family on Sunday.

Is that Christmas? Craziness and chaos?  I thought it was supposed to be about the hope of a newborn babe. All the expectation of a new birth. The dreams. The love. the Forgiveness.  There is none of that. Where is the hope? The love?

I am tired. constantly. but now I will try to at least get some sleep for the physical exhaustion ... one of those nights where I will drift off with a damp pillow while trying not to disturb the amazingly patient man sleeping next me. for a few hours before I have to be happy and connected mom for the kids again.

Happy Birthday Jesus. I will never understand why you did what you did.