Friday, December 10, 2010

Words in my Head

Inadequate. Worthless. Failure. 
Self-centered. Unworthy. Unloveable. 
Lazy. Mistake. Ugly. 

I hear these words in my head all day everyday. Often they are phrases that were told to me repeated over and over and over again as I try to go about living. lately they have gotten louder and louder ... drowning out everything else.

Someone advised recently that I keep busy. Occupy my mind so that I can't hear these words swirling in my head.  I have tried that. When my mind is occupied, it does work. But I have also been cursed with the ability to multitask - and this allows my overactive brain to work on a meaningless task while continually repeating the 'lies' in my mind.

I haven't been able to clean my house. When I go to start I hear my mother telling me how I cleaned the bathroom, dusted, vacuum, etc. wrong and had to stand there and watch her redo what I had just done and listen to her yell at me and belittle me the entire time.  Now I own my own house, but her words have moved in with us.  So why bother even trying? If I am such a failure, why bother.

Then I hear 'failure' 'worthless' 'lazy' for not being able to be the wife and mother I should. for not being able to clean and straighten. organize and de-pile.

Just today I tried to stay home with my own thoughts and had a minor meltdown. When I went to take some things to a friend, I asked if she needed any help with her todo list. She said yes and I vacuumed her house. The ENTIRE time I was being told how inadequate of a job I was doing. How she was just going to have to go behind me and redo everything and this was meaningless busy work.  It went on and on and on. But I finished and can only pray that she didn't need to go behind me and redo the work.

I put out a few resumes while fighting back the 'failure' 'no one will hire you' mantra in my head.

They aren't voices - I haven't gone that crazy yet.  They are quiet thoughts. PE tells me they are lies from the father of lies. lies from the pit of hell. But they are there and they are constant and the harder I work at studying the bible, reading something positive, praying liturgical prayer even when I don't feel like it, they get louder, stronger and more insistent.

Some days it is paralyzing. It takes all my energy to get out of bed and dressed. I have been avoiding staying in my own house. I will not accept help in cleaning - I really don't want anyone to see what a mess this place is.  Those same words tell me that no one would help anyway. so don't bother asking. If some one offers - say no.

Every now and then a clear voice emerges. It says things like, "Wait. Not yet." when trying to make a major decision. or "You did not chose me. I have chosen you."

Now I need to determine which one to listen to. If anyone has found a fast and effective way to quiet these swirls of chaos in my head, please let me know.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have not. But I must believe that no parent sets out to damage their child. But many parents end up doing something that is hard for their child to overcome or forgive. Your mothers obsessive compulsive nature has become your weakness. We can use these as our weaknesses and excuses, or we can forgive and accept. At least you had a mother. At least you had a home to clean. I held my mothers "faults" over her and didn't forgive in my heart until it was too late. The day after she was buried I cried and cried because I realized that in holding her at arms length to not get hurt again, I would now hurt and feel pain at what not forgiving leaves you with. I can guarantee by holding on to these hurts from the past, your children see how you are and will be taught to hold on to your "faults" and blame their problems on you.

Dec 10, 2010, 10:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is now evening and your thoughts and mine combined have had my thoughts and memories stirred. I shed a few tears in the process. Very healing. I wanted to say something else about my story and hope it helps your story.

I didn't forgive my mother in time. I loved her and we were fine on the surface, but we both had things that needed to be said that no one was going to bring up. Easier to hide than open a wound. At the luncheon after the funeral God did the most miraculous thing. He allowed my mother to speak to me after her death. A woman my age whom I had never met, nor she I, approached me and asked if she could give me a message. My mother had become a "mother figure" to her and in their conversations my mother confessed her heartache in past mistakes toward her children. She was truly sorry. But she was forced to live her mistakes over and over because her daughters had not forgiven her. It was now easier to surround herself with people who saw who she was in the present rather than those who only live in the past. WOW! God is amazing. It was too late to do it face to face, but my mom's spirit was in front of me and the sense of peace and forgiveness was immediate. She was telling me she was sorry and I forgave completely. Truly completely. Not just lip service. Do you know how many years I had punished my mom? Too many. And the truth of it is my sins were sooooo much greater than hers. She made decisions for her life that I was a casualty of, never a moment of actual intent to harm me. My decisions were with intent. I did not honor my mother. I talked poorly of her on my bad days, as if she were somehow responsible (shes not, I am adult, fully responsible for all my thoughts and actions). I now beg forgiveness. I talk to her and when we are together again I will give her what every mom wants. . . the love and respect of her daughter (with a BIG bear hug thrown in).

Dec 10, 2010, 7:56:00 PM  
Blogger Chris K said...

I do love my parents. Don't get me wrong. But so much of the negative dialogue in my head is her voice. The video in my mind involves her. We visit regularly and talk a few times a week. We don't share all of the same values. We are very involved in church and are teaching the children about Jesus and taking an active role in their spiritual development that is so crucial. That is not important to her and Daddy. I know she loves me too. Recently we were chatting and I admitted that I hate cleaning because I hear her telling me what I was doing wrong. She laughed and admitted that she doesn't clean like she used to either. Then I thanked her for messing me up. "It's a mother's priviledge."

Does she understand the spiritual battle I am going through? Not likely, but that is due to her choices. Does she understand the depression I am in? Maybe a little. It is in career field.

Dec 11, 2010, 12:42:00 AM  

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