Thursday, January 06, 2011

All night long ...

I have been awake all night.  Granted, I don't sleep well anyway, but rarely do I stay up all night. I will typically get 2-4 hours of sleep.

Something is happening. Something is stirring.

And my overwhelming thought ... almost an internal scream ...
"I need help!"

Even writing that took so much energy.
Help for what? I don't know.
How? I don't know.

But it has been a quiet whisper for so long and so easy to ignore.
Now it is a scream and I can't ignore it anymore.

... and i don't know what to do ...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The voice in my head whispered to offer you a room to get away and find some peace from a change in your routine. But my mind says this will add to the burdens you feel towards your family and will add to your despair. So I'm trying to contemplate if I have any ideas that you haven't already heard or tried.

If you have a hard time asking for help from those you know, can you join a support group for parents who have lost children and understand exactly what you are experiencing?

Can you completely change your daily (and nightly) routine to force your mind to alter the paths it travels?

Can you take this month to plan something positive in memory of Luke? There is a garden waiting to be worked at your church. Can you plan a memorial section in his memory/honor?

This one is touchy and I beg your forgiveness if I go too far. Is Luke here or in CO? I ask this because if he were here, you could visit and talk with him whenever you want (even at 2:00AM). I personally find this a great comfort to me when I greatly miss the physical presence of one I love until I am reunited with them.

Jan 6, 2011, 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger Chris K said...

(3rd times a charm - I hope!!!)

1. I would have likely turned down the offer of a room. an escape. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. If I escape anywhere - it will be to my family cabin or just a long drive with needed naps in the car.

2. I was in a support gp when in CO. I have looked for something around here, but haven't found anything really comparable. And I don't have the strength, time, energy to start one right now.

3. My routine is so focused around the kids that changing it is not really possible.

4. I have nothing to do with the garden. And it will be a veggie garden. And I have a brown thumb. We did plant bulbs once in memory, but left them there when we moved.

5. Luke is buried in MO near our family cabin. We couldn't leave him in CO and we didn't know where we would end up after the military. There is an old country cemetery there ... and sadly, several babies. But I am not one to visit graves. That isn't where they are.

Jan 6, 2011, 10:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

3. Really? The kids are in school most of the day plus after school day care. And you told me the other day on the phone that you are only working a few times a day. What are you doing the other days? Someone posted on your facebook a few weeks ago that you should walk 5 miles a day...I'm not sure how possible that is, but getting outside and walking is certainly a good idea. I know you like to walk. I know you like to hear gravel crunching under your feet...and quite frankly, exercise is as good as Prozac. Exercise with sunshine is even better. I know the cold doesn't bother you. Get your iPod, put on some good music and hit the pavement (or gravel). I know from experience that wearing yourself out physically is a good remedy emotional stress. Also makes for a good night sleep.

LC (but I didn't post the previous response...but you should know that...but if you choose to garden I can send you some bulbs.)

Jan 7, 2011, 12:21:00 AM  
Blogger Chris K said...

Yes. Really. It is easy to sit back and tell me what I need to do, should do. Neither of you are in my head. You don't know how hard it is to do anything. To make sure the kids are safely out the door for school (when they have it) so I can collapse. Exhausted. The mere thought of walking - even to the end of the street is overwhelming.

I am overwhelmed with guilt over wanting the kids out of the house. Over not being a good mother to them. I don't have the discipline to overcome this. I don't have the strength.

Jan 10, 2011, 11:45:00 PM  

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