Know God - day 11

Exodus 21, 22 then 13.

The people were complaining again.  This time God sent a plague of snakes and death to shut them up, but he also had Moses give them an 'out' - a bronze snake on a rod to look at and live.  Pastor parallels this with Jesus in John 3:14 - the son of man must be lifted up and who ever believes may have eternal life.  The Israelites went to Moses pleading for him to talk to God. to stop the snakes.  They admitted to sinning. Then God told them to 'look and live.'

Pastor talks about our rebellion and complaint leading us to the curse of death much like the wanderers in the wilderness.  However, Jesus promises that those who gaze in love on the cross will be saved as well.  What about those that look to the cross and question? accuse? blame?  Pastor asks us to ask Jesus to turn us into a thankful, rejoicing, fully alive and forgiven 'fool for Christ.'  I don't think I can do that.  Not today.

This where I am (sent around 2:20 and it is now 9pm) today: (excerpts from an email I sent to someone)
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Questions...from a wayward heart.

... I did come to the church today and sat in the sanctuary. and cried. and fussed at God. and pleaded. and tried to listen. but now I have more questions.

...What purpose does it do for him or us to wrestle with him?

Why can't he hold us in his arms? comfort us? heal our hearts?

Why does he want us to wander in the wilderness? can't we just read about the israelites and learn from them?

I told him today that there are times I hate him. I doubt on some levels that he is truly the caring compassionate God everyone tries to make him out to be.  It is far easier to believe he is the angry jealous God who will extinguish a people for angering him.  that I can believe.  Would a truly loving and caring God give us so much free will? We let our children learn consequences, but we also give them boundaries.  We stop them before knowing they can get really hurt.  Why doesn't God do that???

How does a person sit quietly and listen to God? He isn't known for speaking very loudly.  I will admit that I likely ignore him more times than I care to admit. but I am not always certain if it is him speaking.

Maybe I need to stop the study and the questions. Is it really possible to know God?  Did he  really change from the jealous, vengeful God in the old testament who killed thousands in a blink or who sent plaques as punishment to the kind loving forgiving God of the new testament? did he?

Maybe these are rhetorical.  But if you have any insight, I'd love to hear it.  I respect your position, education, experience.  Thank you.

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And then I learn about God killing people with snakes because they complained too much. so what now? shut up and put up? I know I have a disconnect between my heart and my head. I also stepped out of my comfort zone today and reached out to two women for mentoring, friendship, something. Please pray this is a positive thing.

back to the study...

God talked to Balaam. Balaam ignored God. God sent an angel to block the way. balaam whipped his donkey for no real reason. God spoke through a donkey, mule ass. and Balaam blamed him for making a fool of him.

(side note - I once saw a band called Balaam's Ass. there was an online radio station called BAR - Balaams' Ass Radio. they played pretty good not pop christian music too.)

Do we really want God to turn us into fools? Where have we drawn the line in the past in regards to stepping out in faith? How far are we willing to go to serve God. I don't know. i don't know. i don't know. when you are angry at God. eyes still swollen from crying so much today. feet sore from stomping (because I had enough sense to NOT kick the pew in front of me). and heart bruised and battered. i don't know.

What I really want to do is sit my fanny down right here and let him come to me. to serve me. I asked repeatedly for some tangible comfort from him. nothing. alone. Why bow down to him when he leaves you alone in the desert. struggling to breath. dying of thirst? why serve him when you feel he has abandoned you?

This blog is stepping out for me. Being vulnerable and open for anyone to see. I know in my head that God loves me. My heart is having serious issues. I know in my heart that I love him. but I get blinded by the anger and fear and past. It is safe to say that yes, I love him, but there are times I don't like him very much!

Numbers 13 is the beginning of the trip into the Promised land. God told Moses to send spies out to Canaan which he was giving to the Israelites. Most spies came back with horror stories and obstacles, but two came back with possibilities.

Pastor notes three points from this:
1. God keeps his promises.
2. God wants to bless us with a bountiful land (he just didn't say WHEN)
3. God can turn obstacles into opportunities.

Oh I hope so. Right now I am one big obstacle. A great big bundle of doubt. sadness. fear. Pastor asks us to pray that we may put on the glasses of God and opportunity rather than the goggles of world and oppression. This reminds me of a song on the kids' veggie tales cd that we always sing with gusto in the car:

I am a promise

I am a possibility

I am a promise with a capital "P"

I am a great big bundle of potentiality

And I am learnin' to hear God's voice

And I am tryin' to make the right choice

I am a promise to be anything God wants me to be.

Oh to have the simple faith of a child and not to be cluttered with a past and a questioning doubting mind.  My prayer today is to be held and comforted.  Please Lord. Please.