Know God - day 3

There are many scattered verses for today. Here's the list:
Genesis 12:1-4, 15:1-6, 16:1-4, 17:1-8, 19:1-5, 15-26, 21:1-4, 22:1-18

I thought of posting all the scriptures here, but there is a certain joy in flipping through the bible. hearing the thin pages crackle. catching other verses accidently. getting lost in a story you never realized existed. or getting lost in a story that you only thought you knew. checking cross references and realizing how intertwined everything is in the bible. it is an adventure in and of itself. but try to stay on task as well.

Pastor asks, "What does God have to say about [Bible heroes letting us down]?

God still blesses us. Is he crazy??? He blesses us. and not just for sneezing. We screw up. He STILL blesses us. We break his heart, cause him to basically destroy the earth and start all over, yet...

God says, "I will bless YOU!"

Do we believe it? Do we really believe that God can/does forgive us for our past? It isn't easy. How do we convince ourselves of this truth? I don't think we can. We have to have faith and trust God. Faith, trust and pixie dust. ok - no pixie dust needed.

In 18:14, He asks, "Is anything too wonderful for the LORD?" Simple answer is 'no'. Harder to really believe this in your heart. Nothing is too wonderful for the LORD, but there are tons of things I certainly don't deserve. His blessings. His forgiveness. His love. His encouragement.

Why does he continue to bless us? Why doesn't he just throw up His hands and cry "uncle!!"

Better question, "Is anything too damaged for the LORD?" Apparently not. He's still here with us.

Pastor asks for confession of the big sins we can't forgive ourselves for...again? confession? really? can't we just refer to yesterday? 

confession - envy. of my brother and his family. i always dreamed of a large family and then after fertility treatments and all the headaches that goes along with that, our only biological son dies when my uterus ruptures in labor due to many errors. then we can't even try for more biological children. we have 2 amazing adopted children, but my sister in law thinks hard and is pregnant. we visited the hospital the day after #3 was born (they now have 3 all 3 and under) i wasn't even offered a chance to hold the baby. my arms were aching so badly. i was/am so upset. I know I shouldn't. I know I need to release the anger and envy. I try, but then grab hold again.

I sometimes wish God would hold my hands tight so I can't grab hold of things like that again. Now Pastor asks us to thank God for the power of his forgiveness. Being thankful can be easy - accepting forgiveness - not so much.

In 19:17 God said to "Flee for your life [and] do not look back."

I am by nature not a flee-er. I am a hider. I would rather curl up in a ball and stay put in an oblivious state than run away.

Pastor suggests that we need to flee from our sins, from our past, leave it behind, not look back, be set free. What do we need to be set free from? to leave completely behind us?

the past (or is that too broad??), bitterness, fear, do we need to specifically list what we need to be set free from? are we ready to be that honest with ourselves? am I ready to be that honest with myself?

There is a certain security to clinging to the past. to not being free. it is comfortable (in a lumpy, but it's YOUR lumpy bed kinds way), familiar, routine. Is God really calling us to be uncomfortable (or does he have a new pillow top waiting for us?), to embrace the unfamiliar, create a new routine. Can I do it?

God then told Abraham in 17:12, 14 "I will make you...the father of many nations." (Father Abraham had many sons. Many sons had Father Abraham. I am one of them and so are you so let's just praise the Lord. Right arm... - what is up with the right arm, left arm, etc stuff??? or is it a ploy to get kids to turn around and sit down?)

Pastor then points out that "in spite of your past, God wants to make something of you!" Now we need to ask God what He desires to make of us. Once upon a time in another life, I used to pray for God to make His will the desire of my heart. I was purposely NOT praying for a litany of items that I thought I wanted or even needed. I was only praying for his will as my desire. Maybe that is where I need to start....

"Daddy God, you know me better than me. Please make your will the full desire of my heart. I want to have my thirst quenched and my hunger slated. I know in my head you can do that. Please help."

Than God told Abraham to do the impossible - 22:2 "Take your son, your only son Isaac, ... and offer him ... as a burnt offering."

WHAT???? You wait until you're almost 100 years old to have a child with your beloved and God wants you to what??? Sacrifice him? Why? why? why? Does God dislike us that much?

Amazingly, Abraham obeyed the command. I wonder what Sarah said. "No Abe. I don't think so. This is MY son. My ONLY son. Now go find a nice lamb to sacrifice. God'll understand." I imagine she wept from moments before they left until they returned. Tears of grief turned into tears of joy when she saw her baby boy - alive and well. Oh the joy to see your son alive and well. I can only imagine.

God had an out. Isaac asked where the sacrifice was at one point and his father went so far as to bind his son, place him on the alter and hold his knife over him. Ever faithful, Abraham just knew God would provide a ram. but he continued as if one wouldn't come.

I can see the tears streaming down his face. The pleading in his heart, God-please don't make me really do this. Repeated over and over like a mantra. The confusion and fear in Isaac's eyes as he sees his father about to kill him while he is lying on the wood of the alter. Was he gagged? Was he pleading with his father to not do this? Was he quiet and resigned to what was about to happen?

Then a voice cried out to Abraham. It likely had to be loud to be heard over his pounding heart, pleading thoughts, and begging son. Thankfully Abraham heard God in time. A ram was provided and he was richly blessed with many descendants. 22:18 "...because you have obeyed me."

Is it really that easy?? Just obey? Just give it all up to Him?

Pastor thinks God is saying, "All of life is a test and a trust. Like Abraham, I will ask you to do many things in this life. Some will make sense. Some may not. the question is, will you follow my calls and commands - and my word - even when it doesn't make sense to you?"

Could I follow like Abraham did? To the point of sacrificing a child? I don't know. My heart is still fractured from the loss of Lucas. and that wasn't my choice. Or was God asking me to keep getting out of bed, continue being a wife, become a mom to 2 amazing children, live life?

That is hard. and it still makes no sense. I pretend sometimes to believe that great things have come from Luke's death. Or from things I did as a teen and young adult. but then i doubt anything good happened. Is this blind faith? Closing your eyes

What hard thing is God asking you to do? Do we trust Him - can we truly step out in faith - to provide a ram, a solution, a hope and a way?"

How do we really develop trust in God? We thought we were trusting Him when I accepted the job in NC and we moved here knowing no one, only one of us having a job, not having a church. Now we are wondering if we really did the right thing. I quit my job. We rarely have couple time nevermind family time. I am finding it hard to wait for Him to provide a solution, a hope and a way.

Pastor ends with a reminder about Abraham's faith and trust. He asks "Has your life known failure? How can you begin writing a new ending today?"

Oh yes. There's been failure. a new ending? how to begin? good question. It seems there have been MANY times I tried to start writing a new ending. Then I stop and give up, become frustrated, grab hold again of the past. And try to start changing that ending - again. and again. and again.