reflections...

It has been 6 years since our son was born-still. 6 years since my life was turned upside down and inside out. I did seek traditional 'talk' therapy after his death. But it didn't help much except to insure I'd get out of bed everyday and continue being a productive member of society. This year for some unexplained reason - it ALL came back to me. I am a Christian, but am sick of the light and fluffy rhetoric. I was angry and wanted answers. I have a gracious pastor who let me rant, cuss, wail, question, doubt, hate, cry and be my messed up self. He was just there. No pat answers. No miracle books. Just there. 

I also started blogging my journey. Being transparent. Lucas was conceived after ttc for a couple of years. My pregnancy was fine. I loved feeling him grew and wiggle and kick. During planned, induced labor, my uterus ruptured. My son died. The emergency c-section was too late. 

In my intense anger I want to throw or hit something. I found a good sized branch and swung it repeatedly at a tree. It felt wonderful to release all that anger in a physical way. 

Right after Luke died, I read every book I could get my hands on as well. Now I realize I was too numb to know what I was doing. 

It is a journey - a winding journey with serene places, rocky places, lonely places and tearful places. But a journey that will make all of us so much stronger in the end.