A June Commitment

Last night I noted almost every hour on the clock. 12:36, 1:14, 2:22, 3:45, 4:03 ... and my mind was going 90 miles an hour.  "Oh no. Not again" was my thought. Then I let my mind wander ... and made a decision in the wee hours - not something that is wise - but once I decided to do this, I finally found some sleep. 

I was thinking about friends, support, accountability.  All things crucial to recovery. I keep hearing that I can't do this alone.  Yet - there doesn't seem to be much of a choice.  When I went to WA, I asked a small group of folks to pray for me.  I trusted that they did.  But just praying for someone can be easy. When I returned I asked this same group if they could help with accountability ... and gave a specific list of things I needed help with.  One person responded. And we have worked out a plan with our busy schedules.  I am still tired. still pushing through. still taking things one day at a time. I don't have the energy to reach out to others for support.  I don't have the energy to be rejected. Or just squeezed into an already packed life. I don't like being this needy. This isn't me. 

So - I have decided that I am going to not be as needy. I am not going to ask for support. accountability. help. I will rely on God and recovery groups.  And writing.