Saturday, December 11, 2010

Do I Believe?

From the Beth Moore "Esther" study ...
I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining
I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when he is silent.
(Author Unknown)

This has been a very trying time. I read this quote while completing the last day of the "Esther" study and filled in I [don't know if I] believe in God, even when he is silent.  I know he is there, but do I believe he is there?  Simply - no. 

Once upon a time there would have been no question. I would have told you that I believe he is always around - no matter what.  Even when he is silent. Even in the depths of grief. Even when the sun isn't shining.  I believed in God. I trusted God. I believed in his promises. He answered prayers.  No, life wasn't easy or all rosey, but there was hope!  I trusted him.  Then he betrayed that trust. Shattered it into a million little pieces that can't be made whole again. 

Now - as part of the healing process - I have been told that I need to forgive God and choose to trust him again.  Although he is incapable of sin I do blame him and believe he betrayed me.  How do you trust someone like that?? How do you truly believe they care for your best interest? 

In this time of advent ... this time of expectant waiting. of renewing peace, hope, joy and love ... I feel jittery, anxious, hopeless, despair ... not what I am 'supposed' to experience during the Christmas season. If I can't believe now - when can I?



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe you believe. In joy, hope, grace and your faith in God. You believe. Because you search for it. You seek it. You want it. In this darkest season for you, if you didn't believe it would not be in your constant thoughts.

Your level of hope is definitely not where you want it. Your level of joy is seriously below where you want it. Your trust in God is being stretched to the limit. But in all this time, you blog faithfully everyday about all these. You still believe and are seeking a higher level! Amen.

I believe there are seasons of life. Seasons of faith (because life is always a challenge that is testing us). Seasons of growth. Seasons of hunkering down and praying we can tread water until we can touch again.

I believe there are shades of emotions. It isn't black and white. It's black, white, and a zillion shades of gray. You seem to be in a definite gray zone. But you are searching for a paler shade of gray, and the next day a paler shade of gray.

If this is your tough season maybe just pray for strength and patience faithfully. Maybe praying to be filled with peace and hope doesn't allow you to see that each day allows for a lighter shade of gray to appear. My prayer for you is that God give you strength. That God may put people in your path that will lighten your heart. That God watch over your beautiful family in this time of emotional crisis. Amen.

Dec 12, 2010, 4:18:00 PM  

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