Friday, February 26, 2010

PANIC!!!

Today tarted out as a typical morning ... Hit the snooze a couple of times. Got the boy on the bus. Did my quiet time with my daily bible reading. And realized I had time to work on a book I am reading and studying at the suggestion of a wonderful christian counselor. The book is called Wounded by Terry Wardle.  Today's chapter was about shame and how Satan uses shame to bind hurting people with feelings of hopelessness and inability to change ... he appeals to the sense of unworthiness and fills ones head with lies.  When held in bondage by shame, Satan is in control.  Satan wants us to believe that we are helpless.  But we aren't. Jesus died to break our chains.  His truth WILL set me free.  (I know that. Do I truly believe that? Is that why today happened? Is my faith too weak?)

On the way to bible study (we are studying Believing God by Beth Moore) my heart started pounding. I was a little worried, but ignored it.  Last week I was a bit emotional and put it off to worry about what they would think, or having my emotions get the best of me again.  The closer I got to my destination, the worse it got.  As I turned onto the street, breathing became more difficult. I was all but hyperventilating. And terrified.  I was filled with an unexplained paralyzing terror.  Then I realized ... I was one the verge of a full blown panic attack.   

As I sat in my car in front of the house, gripping the wheel, practicing lamaze breathing to calm myself ... hold off a full blown attack ... and prayed. And prayed.  And prayed.  When I first started praying in the car, it felt like I was praying through a pillow.  The more I prayed, the less muffled they were.  The prayers were simply,  "Oh God. Help me." and "Jesus give me strength". Repeated over and over and over until I felt the worst was over.  And I could breath normally again.  Then I prayed for strength to just open the car door and get out of the car.  then for strength to get down the drive and sidewalk. Strength to open the door and for there to be no one nearby.  



There wasn't.  I was greeted by the wonderfully fluffy puppy who let me pet her, hug her and even licked my nose.  I walked into the kitchen where everyone gathers.  I was freezing and wanted a cup of hot tea.  As I gripped the mug, I sensed my breathing quickening.  I escaped to the bathroom and prayed more earnestly.  And fought tears.  What was happening to me? Was I finally cracking?  One thing I did know without a doubt - I was to stay put. No matter what.  (fight or flight? yeah - I flee)  


I made it through the video.  My heartrate was calming. My breathing was near normal.  But I was still wound very tight.  Imagine one of those paper airplanes where you wind the prop to twist the rubber band - the more you twist, the tighter it gets.  That was me.  I barely participated in the discussion.  I didn't trust what I'd say.  Or do.  As soon as the study was over, I fled.  


I fled to my sanctuary.  But after talking to Pastor for a few minutes, I left.  I could not bring myself to step into the sanctuary.  I was wound too tightly.  When talking with Pastor, I told him about the events of the morning and I know I had nervous laughter ... I am not sure where his came from.  


I am tired of being a mess.  I am tired of fighting. I am tired of working so hard.  I am tired.


Instead of going into the sanctuary and praying (I could have sworn I heard Pastor say, "Pray" when I was trying to decide what to do. He denies it.) or going home to to nap (I took a 3 1/2 hour each way trip the previous day) I drove aimlessly.  And prayed. And was still wound tight.  


While driving, I realized the previous week had been filled with obstacles.  I like to do my study with my computer - I can pull up multiple verses at a time, check multiple translations, check the Greek and Hebrew, access commentaries, etc.  My browser shut down every single time I tried to work on it.  I finally used my 'old fashioned' bible. (I still LOVE my Ryrie Study Bible!!)  But whenever I tried to sit down to work on the study something came up.  there were so many distractions and presses for my time.  By the time Wednesday evening rolled around, I just wanted to get something, anything, done since study was Friday morning.  


I called the hostess of the study and asked her to pray and pray hard.  I just knew Satan was messing with me.  For some reason, he does NOT want me to do this study. Or maybe he doesn't want me to heal and grow.  I wanted to walk somewhere - preferably gravel so I can hear the crunch, kick the rocks, and even slide a bit when going too fast.  Instead I drove. Until the hostess invited me to walk her 'loop' that is all gravel.  I took her up on her invitation.


I drove back to her house, plugged my iPod into my ears, turned on my "Songs for the Journey" playlist and took off on foot.  These are songs of praise, hope, and songs that have recently spoken to me.  Partway around the loop, I felt the rubber band unwind and relax.  I could breath easily for the first time since morning.  As I approached her house, I knew I'd tell her everything.  I knew she'd keep me in her prayers.  And I knew that this time, Satan had been defeated.  


At home, husband asked how my day was, and I was completely honest with him.   I am going to defeat this! I am going to be whole again! I am going to have a deeper faith with God! [and I'll keep saying this until I really believe it in my heart.]

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Speak gently. carefully. thoughtfully. graciously. humbly.

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