Three Weeks in April - part 2

That first night sleep was fitful to say the least.  I wrapped myself in the prayer shawl given to me by a dear woman from church who had it prayed over and then annointed with oil.  It smelled like frankincense and myrrh - oil of gladness.  And I cried.

My first individual session (or 1:1) was Monday evening.  The kind, gentle, perceptive counselor picked up on stuff even I didn't realize I had buried and hidden so deep inside. Stuff I thought I had 'dealt with.' Stuff I thought was part of 'normal life.'

Tuesday started with a cooking class that involved way too many people in a kitchen that was way too small.  I still didn't know anyone. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Was very claustrophobic in that small kitchen.  I hid out by the sink washing dishes.  I managed to avoid the lobby by hanging out back on the patio.  A friend sent flowers - TR (the guy from the first day) remarked that when I saw the flowers, I actually had a break in my shell momentarily.

There was a lot of free time on Tuesday.  I used it to walk around town.  I walked down to the water and found a bench ... between my bench and the Puget Sound was a train track.  As I sat there feeling so alone. so scared. so despondent.  A train went by. I had the fleeting thought of how easy it would be to step in front of the train ... or walk in the cold water of the sound.  But that would be too easy. selfish. giving up.

Groups were tough - how to open up in front of a bunch of strangers when you aren't sure of your own feelings in the first place.  Individual sessions were tougher.  there was one to determine if I had chemical dependency issues. Um - No. If I was going to turn to alcohol, I would have already. And I have no idea where to get other stuff.  I have always been a 'good girl.'

Daily check-ins were common on groups.  Passing or just saying 'ok' were not options. We had to be honest. with the counselors. with ourselves.  I learned an entire new therapy vocabulary that includes words such as trigger, PTSD, recovery, ibsc, and a myriad of others that pop into conversation from time to time.

Lunch was an event in itself. We were forced to hang out in the over crowded lobby then walked over to another building to eat a selection of beans, mixed leaves and a protein of some sort ... chicken, salmon, cheese, etc.  It was the same thing day after day. The saving grace was a small bakery that sold a can of Pepsi and a homemade chocolate chip cookie for $2.37!  Funny thing was - after 3 weeks of beans and leaves - I actually wanted some salads when I returned home.  Guess I can change!