Know God - day 4

Genesis 33:1-12 then Back to 28:10-19 then to 32:22-30

What is God saying here? Even after reading what Pastor wrote, I am still wondering what God is saying here. In the verses he says, 28:15 "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land, I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

What does God say to us?
With a ladder reaching to heaven filled with angels going up and down and then a wrestling match where Jacob doesn't give up? Where Jacob has prepped for battle with his brother when his brother has come in peace and wants just a relationship with his brother?

Pastor says that God wants us to strive and struggle with him. But instead we silly humans seem to prefer to 1) struggle with ourselves and within our own mind (of course I never do that!) or 2) against God and heaven (again-me??) [the additions were very sarcastic if you didn't know]

Pastor goes on to say that we don't struggle with God - to lay at his feet our anger - to refuse to release him without an answer to our doubts - due to pride, fear to admit vulnerability, inability to accept God's love.

Hi pot. It's kettle again. I don't like feeling vulnerable. It's weak. I may get hurt. again. someone may get to know the real me. and not like it. will god still love the vulnerable me? and the pain. this makes me think not of jacob struggling with God and persevering. but of Eustace when he stole the dragon's gold in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (right?) and Aslan used a claw to remove the painful layers of dragon skin.

Am I seeing God face to face right now? no. but i miss him. there was a time when i would rage at him, scream and shout and cry. and lie silently on the floor spent and soothed. now, i don't know if i can do any of that with him. what changed? me. i know. fear of what he may ask of me. fear of his forgiveness when i can't muster my own forgiveness.

once i did run away. to my family's cabin. my sanctuary. alone. blessedly alone. there i did scream and cry and shout and kick and throw things (rocks at trees are great!). alone. with god. and oh it felt wonderful and refreshing and exhausting. lately i find it easier to hide and avoid wrestling. yes - easy. not right.

maybe pride has a place in it. to proud to let me family see the struggle. to proud to admit it to myself. too stubborn. (I know, it's a shock - me being stubborn.)

What do i need to wrestle about, ask about, cry about, shout at God about? the fairness (or lack of) in life. WHY, grief, forgiveness, anger...the list could go on and on...could also be much more specific. if i didn't enjoy not admitting things to myself so much.

Pastor then reminds us that God wants a living, working connection between us and him. He gave us Christ. I know this in my head. I forget it in my heart. what do I need to do get my heart caught up with my head?? will god really still be there? will he drop me in a desert?

oops - he's already done that. i'm just running out of the strength to struggle against him. or maybe that's it. I am struggling against him, but i need to begin struggling with him. and how honest and open do i want to be with myself and god. I know he knows what i know but that he wants to know if i know what he knows about me, him and us. Ya know?