Control

I. Like. Being. In. Control.

There! I've admitted it.  I like control. I need to feel like I have some control.  All too often however, I have absolutely NO control.  

and

I hate it!!!

Being in control is a sign of strength. power. togetherness.

Lately though, I have been exercising my control in not highly recommended ways.  A few months ago I stopped taking some of my medications.  OK - most of my medications.  One is particular was my anti-depressant.  Not life threatening - I thought.  Until I sunk into a deep depression...where I still sit.  A dear one said to me, more than once, "I just don't understand why you won't just take it."  I flat out didn't want to.  I don't want to take any more pills.

Then I thought about it.  And processed it. And asked my friend to call/email/text every day to make sure I took the pill.  They did. I did. (mostly)

What was it really about? Control.  I could control whether or not I took the pill.  I didn't want to admit weakness. I want to have this facade of strength.  I need to appear stronger than I am.

but I'm not strong at all - or in control.