Friday, December 31, 2010

Failure = Me

I was talking to some friends tonight and heard the word 'failure' come out of my mouth many times in the space of about 5 minutes.  And ... it's true. I feel like (and am) a complete and utter failure ...

... as a wife - my hubby is a better wife than I am.  He does the cleaning, laundry, cooking, kid bathing and bedtime.  I HATE cleaning (I can hear my mom in my head telling me everything I was doing wrong and re-doing it in front of me while yelling at me the entire time.) I can wait longer than he can on laundry - and let it sit in the dryer longer. kid bathing and bed - they prefer him. I feel more like a roommate than a wife ... it is my fault and just one of many areas I fail.

... as a mom - my kids prefer their daddy most of the time.  Recently they went to visit their grandparents for 5 nights in another state.  I didn't miss them. In fact, I wasn't ready for them to come home. Another friend commented that she didn't understand how I could let them go so far for so long. That just was another point to show that I am a failure as a mom.  Never mind the big one that God told me ... "I will let you carry this baby to term. Let him grow in your womb. but you are not good enough to be his mother so I am bringing him to heaven with me."  So much a failure that I couldn't even keep my only biological child.

... as a daughter - whenever we visit, I am reminded of what a failure I am in this area.  I didn't major in what I should have, I don't work enough now, I don't measure up to my little brother and his wife and their 3 (almost 4) biological children. I am a failure and a disappointment.

... as a sister - I don't know my brother. There are 10 years between us. He was almost 13 when I left home after college.  I had so much responsibility for him growing up, but now he is better than me in his eyes. my parents' eyes.  He sneezes on his wife and she's pregnant. I can't have a live baby. He has 2 law offices. I don't even work part time. He is total executer of my parent's estate. I am ... nothing.

... as a friend - I have been shutting out friends this year. It is easier to not talk to them. to not answer questions. than to face their pitying or worried looks.  I am the person that sucks the life out of a room. The one no one wants to be around because of this depression and dark cloud.  I would happily be there for them, but I don't want anyone too close to me in case I am contagious.  I am a failure in this area too.

... as a Christian - we are commanded to love our neighbor as ourselves.  How do you do this when you hate yourself?  I have so much head knowledge, but no trust in God's ability to help me. What kind of Christian am I if I don't have basic trust? Again - failure.

We tell the kids that if something is broken, we throw it away. What do you do with a broken person?



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I truly could write a book in response to this blog. But I won't. Because I know that at the present time you read/hear what people write/say, but you don't really give it a chance. You have a response immediately for why it won't work for you. But this is the glaring thing to me from this blog. You have taken your view of yourself and turned it into knowing the view of everyone else concerning you. From the outside looking in, I'm calling false! Here goes in bullet form:
1) if you push your kids away, you can't fault them when they give you "space", it's what you are teaching them.
2) if your husband is doing "extra" to help you, accept it, thank him, love him, and do something kind in turn. View it as a gift of love and don't add it to "your list of failure"
3) don't know your family, won't comment, trying hard not to read between your lines.
4) some friends may have a look of pity, all have a look of worry (because thats what love does), but ALL are looking for the "thing" that will lift the darkness for you. that is the bottom line.
5) THE BIG ONE - you have endured something I have not and I would not attempt to act like I know the depth of your grief. But you have presumed to know the mind of God and his reasons. My heart is heavy on this. One day you will be with your child and God and the reason will be clear, but don't add the reason listed to your list of failures. God gave you two children to raise, so the the thought in your mind cannot be the thought in Gods. There is a different reason. Sorry. I don't want to hurt you. But from the outside it appears to me that God believes in you and trusts you to love and teach your children. The thoughts in your mind are FALSE!!!!!

Jan 4, 2011, 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger Chris K said...

I have tried different things - and it has failed. My view of myself is based on concrete experiences. Things that have actually happened. How is that false?
1. the kids have always preferred Scott. From the day we received her - the girl has preferred her daddy.
2. 'extra' to help? no. necessary for our house to function and be livable.
4. I am not worth anyone wasting energy worrying about me. What happens, happens.
5. I will post about Luke more - soon. If the thoughts in my mind are false - how does a person sift false from true and compensate for past experiences that supposedly lead to the false beliefs?

Jan 4, 2011, 8:48:00 PM  

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