Happiness is a warm puppy ~ Charles Schultz
I was instructed to take a nap today after we got home from church. Husband was trying to find some of Lucas' items that I was borderline frantic trying to find. Borderline wild look in my eyes and digging through boxes while hyperventilating and crying. He graciously looked while I was told to nap. He even told Lucy, our mutt puppy princess, to cuggle with me. [the boy's term for cuddle and snuggle, combined.] She obeyed. She curled up and plopped her head across me when I started crying. She has been close if not touching me most of the evening.
He found the box given to us in the hospital after Luke died. It didn't contain the tape we were searching for. We? He. It did contain a ton of cards from various people. I realized as I was reading the cards (instead of napping) that we had many from complete strangers. People who couldn't pick us out of a line up took the time to hand write a note, put it in an addressed envelope, put a stamp on it and mail it to us. COMPLETE STRANGERS were praying for us.
Immediately following Luke's death and for several months afterward, I was numb. blessedly numb. Now I am not. and it hurts. I feel like I am back in Jan 2004 and struggling to redefine life without our baby. I know I am in 2010 with two amazing kids - still struggling to redefine life without our baby. But to realize there was such a cover of prayer. One that struck me today was from the prayer ministry at a church in Bell Buckle, TN. These folks didn't know me at all! Yet they sent a card - and then one of the couples sent a card every month the first year after Luke died. They sent such love and caring - to a complete stranger. How many of us show Christ's love like that? It is so simple, yet means so much.
I am finding that the sanctuary (inside and outside) at our church is a safe place for me to cry and openly talk to God. I know that we don't need a special place to talk to him, but there are times it helps.
Tonight I knew the church would be open b/c there is children's choir. I didn't know they practiced in the sanctuary. But they weren't in there long. And their singing voices are sweet. When it was quiet - I cried to God. sobbed to him. went to the alter and prayed and sang and cried and tried to be still and listen.
There have been a few songs that seem to burst from my mouth when I am trying to pray - Create in me a clean heart. As the Deer. Sanctuary. Hold Me Jesus. I am trying to formulate my pain, trying to read a liturgy, wiping my nose, and a song will just spill out of my mouth. unbidden and at times incoherent. but from the depths...pleading with God to create in me a clean heart, renew a right spirit within me, take not your holy spirit from me. Pleading with him to prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true so I can be a living sanctuary to Him. And oh I have been shaking like a leaf today.
a couple of hours later, I returned home. husband asked if I was ok. then said, "I know you're not. I don't know what else to ask." he is trying. i am trying. God is working....and I am starting to see that. He has even provided the warm puppy.
He found the box given to us in the hospital after Luke died. It didn't contain the tape we were searching for. We? He. It did contain a ton of cards from various people. I realized as I was reading the cards (instead of napping) that we had many from complete strangers. People who couldn't pick us out of a line up took the time to hand write a note, put it in an addressed envelope, put a stamp on it and mail it to us. COMPLETE STRANGERS were praying for us.
Immediately following Luke's death and for several months afterward, I was numb. blessedly numb. Now I am not. and it hurts. I feel like I am back in Jan 2004 and struggling to redefine life without our baby. I know I am in 2010 with two amazing kids - still struggling to redefine life without our baby. But to realize there was such a cover of prayer. One that struck me today was from the prayer ministry at a church in Bell Buckle, TN. These folks didn't know me at all! Yet they sent a card - and then one of the couples sent a card every month the first year after Luke died. They sent such love and caring - to a complete stranger. How many of us show Christ's love like that? It is so simple, yet means so much.
I am finding that the sanctuary (inside and outside) at our church is a safe place for me to cry and openly talk to God. I know that we don't need a special place to talk to him, but there are times it helps.
Tonight I knew the church would be open b/c there is children's choir. I didn't know they practiced in the sanctuary. But they weren't in there long. And their singing voices are sweet. When it was quiet - I cried to God. sobbed to him. went to the alter and prayed and sang and cried and tried to be still and listen.
There have been a few songs that seem to burst from my mouth when I am trying to pray - Create in me a clean heart. As the Deer. Sanctuary. Hold Me Jesus. I am trying to formulate my pain, trying to read a liturgy, wiping my nose, and a song will just spill out of my mouth. unbidden and at times incoherent. but from the depths...pleading with God to create in me a clean heart, renew a right spirit within me, take not your holy spirit from me. Pleading with him to prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true so I can be a living sanctuary to Him. And oh I have been shaking like a leaf today.
a couple of hours later, I returned home. husband asked if I was ok. then said, "I know you're not. I don't know what else to ask." he is trying. i am trying. God is working....and I am starting to see that. He has even provided the warm puppy.
posted by Chris K at
00:07
2 Comments:
Sometimes those special places do help. And those tangible things that remind you of the one you lost. It's not weird to want these things. Why do you think God used so many specific places and specific things in Old Testament worship? Baptism. Communion. We are tangible and audible people. Cards, songs, sanctuaries--all of these are tools for healing.
Love, EH
I still remember being at a scrapbooking thing at a hotel with Mandie when someone called and told us. I had to run to the bathroom sobbing. I was banging on the walls I was so mad at God for doing that. (allowing that--whatever) But then people started coming in to the bathroom and I couldn't hold it in. So I went to the hospitality suite they had for the event. There was no one there and I found the Gideon's Bible and looked up Psalm 139 and just sat there reading that one part of it over and over, crying and crying out. It wasn't very comforting I'm afraid. I don't remember what happened after that. But I will remember those moments as long as I live.
And sitting at the back of the church with Laurie just crying through the songs that Sunday. Sometimes all you can do is cry. There are no thoughts or words.
I'm so sorry it's coming back so badly right now. It does make sense that now it's safe to let it out. I've been reading the blog. I'm so impressed with your persistence. I've never been able to keep a consistent blog or even journal since I was a kid.
I'm rather angry with God right now too, but nowhere near what you're feeling. I will keep reading and keep praying. Love you, EH
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