The Principal's Office

Earlier this week I was called to the Principal's Office.  I have been struggling with so much and am so confused and heavy-ladened. I was getting a longing to go to the sanctuary at church and listen to God.  I fought it. It got stronger. I fought some more. He pulled some more.  Finally I went. To the principal's office aka the sanctuary. To face the principal.  I wasn't quiet. I didn't listen. I gave him a piece of my mind and then some.  I doubted he was there or even listening.

Tonight I reluctantly returned to the Principal's Office [sanctuary] for worship service.  Husband took the kids home with no explanation from me except for telling him I'd be home in a bit. (poor guy) I have never been to Wed. night worship and had no idea what to expect. Except that I knew that I knew that I knew that I had to go. The kind of thing you can not ignore.  It was a small gathering of 4. Pastor, a lovely couple who I had never met, me.  Pastor prayed.  I silently continued my constant litany of questions to God.  It went something like this, (abbreviated of course):

Pastor: Now we confess...(then a time of silence for us to pray silently.)
Me (silently): I am not confessing anything until you answer some of my questions.
Pastor: We thank you for...(silence)
Me: thank you? for what? taking my son? not responding to my pleas? ignoring me?
Pastor: We praise you...
Me: I can't praise you right now. I am too angry at you.

You get the picture.  I was pretty snarky during the prayers.  I will admit. Not really sorry for it either.  Communion was offered and I refused.  My heart is no where where it needs to be for communion.  Then the wife started confessing to anger associated with her grief over a recent loss.  And asking pastor about it.  This was not the normal turn of events for a Wed night service.  Yes - God was there.  He orchestrated the entire thing. I was reluctantly obedient.  And I will likely return to the principal's office...hopefully eventually to listen to what the principal has to say.