More than fear

I fear God.  He wants us to fear him.  It isn't a bad thing.  He is not a tame God. 

Fear:  respectful dread; awe; reverence, a feeling of uneasiness or apprehension; concern
Scared: a sudden fear or panic; attack of fright, often unreasonable, a state of widespread fear or panic

At the same time, I am scared. Terrified.  And I do NOT like it.  I am scared that I am going to get forever sucked into this journey I am on and not find my way out.  I am facing medical appointments and health issues that I'd rather ignore.  However, the fact that I have been ignoring them is why I am at this point.  I am scared of myself.  Do I really want to get healthy?  Do really want to know God? Or do I want to go hide? 

This is so much more than fear.  This is unreasonable. this is almost panic. I am out and out scared.  Terrified.