staying

Previously - I turned to food when in a funk. when happy. when bored. when tired. when stressed. when hungry. Basically, my emotions ruled when I ate.  However, since I have started studying more in the bible. and stumbled onto this particular journey (or got pushed into this hole - depends on the day), I have not been turning to food.  In fact, I have been turning away from it.  There have been advantages - I have lost almost 20 pounds since the beginning of January.  None of my jeans fit. I have yet to find a true disadvantage - but I am certain if I think about it hard enough, I will.  

For Christmas I got a subscription to Good Housekeeping from mom.  Not something I normally read or even flip through in the checkout line, but I guess since I am almost-no-longer-thirty-something, it isn't so bad.  One article caught me.

"Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." Pema Chodron 

That struck me.  That is often my inclination. Leave. Hide. 

But

The writer goes on to describe other ways of running away.  Things we do to "distance ourselves from the way things are when they aren't the way we want them to be."  and " not doing the things we know we need to do to get past what is really the issue."  She calls overeating an obsession.  "Obession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by disappointment, conflict, loss." 

To handle this, we need to stay in the present moment.  The pain has already happened. We need to learn to live through it now. We can't run.  We have to stay. "Staying means an awareness of the desire to bolt ... Staying means recognizing that when you want to bolt, you're living in the past. Staying requires being curious about who you actually are besides just a collection of memories." 

Life will be bigger. and include vulnerability and strength.

----just because I wrote all this doesn't mean I have processed it, or believe all of it.  I just touched something in me when I read it last night.