Snap in sanity

After turning out the light at 3:33 and watching the clock until it went off at 5:16 for husband, then getting kids up and out before 7. There is little wonder I have had snaps in sanity today.  (yes that was snaps - multiple)

First.  I had plans to go purchase new scrubs for work.  They allow black, navy and a shade called ceil blue.  I am going for black scrubs with a ceil blue lab coat. But anyway...I was hungry so I decided to swing through the golden arches for a quick bite and some caffeine.  I inadvertently cut someone off.  They proceeded to follwo me around the building, flipping me off, etc.  I was yelling, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  They blocked my way at one point and I yelled even louder "I said I'm sorry I cut you off. Get over it!"  And into the per order taker's ear.  She asked if I wanted a drink and I told her they didn't have the type of drink I wanted.  So I settled for a coke. 

Second. I had a $10 coupon to AC Moore.  And I was angry. throwing mad. plate breaking mad.  furious.  I needed to find something that would allow me to vent my frustration.  Something that could be hard and dark and convey my feelings.  I found a set of 24 oil pastels and a drawing pad. $5 each.  But I could feel the expression on my face. the tension in my muscles.  I was about to explode.  I had to go to World Market as well - I left with a bottle of wine that may disappear tonight.

Third.  God called me - in this state - back to the outdoor sanctuary at church.  I went with fists clinched.  I was ready to fight. get bloodied. release this anger boiling inside me.  I took my new  implements of destruction (pastels and drawing pad), ipod so I could tune God out and my anger.  When I stomped my way to the alter, mumbling under my breath the entire time, I realized my earphones were broken.  The bottom 4 inches were cut off...the part that plugs into the ipod.  damn!  I threw the broken earphones, my paper, pastels and ipod on the ground in a fit of rage and frustration.  I open the pad, took the black crayon and covered the sheet with it - railing at God the entire time.  I used almost the entire stick on that one page.  I did some yelling, more drawing/coloring/writing.  I threw rocks at the cross.  A small portion hit and that felt good. Most missed...  I argued some more. I refused to cry. 

There was a large branch on the ground.  I picked it up and began hitting a tree over and over and over.  It felt good to hit something with all my might!  Until the branch broke.  But I carried on.  Then I fell to my knees and begged God to end this journey.  I am so tired.  My real break was when I found myself scratching my arms with a small rock.  I wanted to feel physical pain to overshadow the pain in my heat.    I only succeeded in scratching my arm up a bit.  The anger slowly subsided and my conversation with God resumed a more normal tone.  I found myself prostrate on the damp ground with my face in my hands.  Begging God to end this.   Sometime later I walked back to my car and was sitting there trying to decide if getting behind the wheel of this machine was wise right now when I saw it.  A beautiful bluebird.  It flew down the path a big and I thought of following...but didn't.  I came home instead. And placed the wine in the freezer to chill quickly.  But the burning anger is now gone.  I highly recommend wacking a tree trunk with a large branch!